My Holiday From Hell
by glittercrumbs321
Summary: The Weasleys, Teddy Lupin (and the annoying voice in his head that may or may not be Professor McGonagall) and the holiday from hell. Rated M for later chapters.


'Girls. Girls! Open the door'. Normally I'd just Alohomora the flipping door, but the little minxes have managed to charm lock it shut and I can't undo it. I am going to kill Aunt Ginny.

'Vic! Vicky please! C'mon Vic, open the door!' I appealed through the windshield to my best friend, currently sat in the passenger seat bouncing little baby Lucy on her lap, giggling at the kaleidoscopic shifting of my hair colours. It always went crazy when I was frustrated.

'Don't bug me Lupin, it's my monster of a sister who's got you stuck!' she yelled trying to make herself heard through the pane of glass, and the catcalls of our cousins. Well, her cousins. I'm only an honorary member of the 'Wotter' family. And tomorrow, Weasleys, Potters and assorted hangers on, such as myself, the Lovegoods and the Longbottoms were all visiting one, Charlie Weasley on a dragon reserve in Romania. Now, every single Wotter girl had decided they needed an entirely new wardrobe for such an occasion. Aunt Ginny had been nominated for the task and being the lovely sort-of-mother to be she was, she guilt tripped me into taking them. Or, into sitting on the driveway, my head buried in my hands whilst the little minxes locked themselves into my brand new car! I only got it the other week, uncle harry bought it when I passed my muggle driving test. Uncle Ron slapped me on the back, handed me a fire whiskey and muttered something about a Confundus charm. Anyway, the point is I was crouching in the dirt beside the car praying to merlin that they would let me in soon and we could get this over with.

'Dommy? Dom? For me? Please will you unlock the doors?'

Dominique Weasley, eleven years old with the world twisted round her little finger. Little pink lips puckered up and kissing the window, smushing her snub nose into the glass, dangling the car keys in front of me. Next to her, the terrible two, Alice Longbottom and Roxanne Weasley. Tanned and fair, dark and brunette, brown eyes and blue eyes they were opposite in looks but equally mischievous and equally annoying, and both had managed to undermine my authority as oldest sort of cousin since the day they were born, within two hours of each other, twelve years ago. The two of them, and James and Fred and Dom, were the terror of the teachers and of me for that matter! I would settle down in the Gryfindor common room for some quiet reading, or(and I am only admitting this in the privacy of my own mind) some sneaky watching Victoire over the top of my book, and they would pop up at my shoulders, banging fireworks, force feeding me puking pastilles, turning people into chickens for crying out loud! That's only happened once, but the point is, it happened!

They weren't listening, I could appeal to molly? Molly, the sensible little Ravenclaw, thirteen going on thirty… had her face squashed against the window, chocolate coloured curls unpinned and swinging round her face. Great. Someone had probably given her caffeine. Or E numbers. Aha! E numbers it was! Lily, my *ahem* darling god sister, seven years old, her freckled face the very picture of innocence, sharing a huge back of rainbow beads( sticky little sugar filled balls that left brilliantly coloured dye all over your face) with Rose. Sure enough, molly's mouth was rimmed with orange, lily's with blue, whereas Rose looked as though she has been experimenting with her mother's red lipstick.

So no hope there then.

There was only one thing for it.

Bribery.

'Dominique, let me in the car and I'll buy you all ice cream when we get to the shops'

Inwardly I groaned. This was a blow to my accounts, but desperate times call for desperate measures. She considered it for a moment, brushing strawberry blonde locks back from her face.

'Ok!'

Click.

I dived into the driver's seat before she could change her mind and snatched the keys from her.

'Everybody sit down and strap in now!' I bellowed.

'what's wrong with you teddy? You look like someone who was just pranked by his little cousins? His little girl cousins!'

'One more word Dominique and so help me I'll-'

'You'll what? Complain to uncle harry that the ickle girlies were picking on you?' Vic snickered and she was still laughing at the look on my face when we reached the muggle shopping centre ten minutes later.

'Right' I muttered, 'we can do this, painlessly and quickly, as long as everyone stays calm-'

'ICE CREAM!' Roxy bellowed and lead Alice and Dom in the storm to take the sundae shop. This was a tale that would be told for years to come, Roxanne Weasley and the epic battle to get her raspberry ripple, featuring the minor scuffle with the security guard.

Well. This day was going to plan so far!

There was a tap on my shoulder and I turned to see a vision, an angel, the most beautiful creature I had ever seen, a sheet of silvery hair, laughing ice blue eyes, pink cheeks and a baby. Erm…

'You take her, I'm stopping lily hitting that man. Do you want ice cream?' she thrusts Lucy into my arms.

'erm…. I er I no'. Nice one ted. That makes you look smart and witty and cool.

'ok then. I'm getting a vanilla, Lucy can have some of mine. Lily! Lily! LILY STOP HITTING THAT POOR MAN AND COME AND GET SOME ICE CREAM!'

She hurries off and I look down at Lucy, giggling in my arms.

'You like chaos? You'll fit in with this family then'

In response she throws her dummy at my head.

15 minutes, two tantrums and a lot of ice cream later, we find ourselves at a huge 'you are here' map , trying to decide which shops we need to visit, and which we could really do with avoiding. Like the sweet shop. And the pottery shop.

'Well this one is good because they do a kids range as well as a teens, for me and molly….' Vic muses, scanning the lines and keys, none of which make sense to me. Why didn't I offer to chaperone the boy's trip earlier this week? That would be soooo much easier in and out, maybe with a top at the burger bar or the arcade. Stupid teddy. Stupid teddy. Do you know how stupid you are teddy? You are in the middle of a muggle shopping centre. Carrying a baby. Surrounded by girls who you think of as your little sisters. Opposite the girl who you should really think of as your little sister, but whose face drifts into your mind, late at night, and whose eyes and smile are a cause of extreme pent up teenage frustration for you, because she's almost your cousin, and you've grown up as siblings, and now she's staring at you and you don't know why because you been having a little internal freakout and-

'Earth to Lupin? Hello?'

'AGH!' ice cold on my nose, ow, ow what is it agh!?

Giggles.

'Teddy, you sounded just like a little girl, its only ice cream! ' crinkles at the corners of her eyes, laughing at the smudge of icecream she has splatted on the end of your nose, licking that ice cream, oh how you wish you could be the ice cream- NO NO STOP RIGHT THERE THEODORE LUPIN because it is not appropriate to be thinking about that.

I wipe the ice cream off my nose, let Lucy lick it off my finger, roll my eyes at the whole group of monsters, and shepherd them in the direction Vic is pointing. Merlin get me out of here alive…

Xoxoxoxoxox

Hey teddy look at me!' I glance up from where I'm sitting, on the dad couch as molly informed me. Apparently it's the place dads come to sit and whinge whilst waiting or whatever females have tricked them into entering the store.

'the sight that meets my eyes makes me groan. Roxanne, Alice and Dominique are parading around the dressing groom wearing denim shorts and huge DD ultra boost bras in luminous pink. I am not cut out for babysitting.

'Oi, Lupin! Check me out!' I look over and groan again, but for an entirely different reason. This reason has to do with the unfortunate hardening of my crotch as I stare at Victoire, in super short black shorts, displaying endlessly long slim legs and a bright red top with designer rips, showing far too much flesh on a fifteen year old girls, only for you it's a little too proper, she shouldn't be wearing the clothes at all, she should be in your bed- stop yourself again Lupin this is wrong.

'er Vic? It's great, you look gorgeous don't get me wrong, but don't you think it's a little too… sexy?' play the older brother card, that's right, no one will know these hideous fantasies as long as you keep up appearances…

'Too sexy? Lupin, were going to a dragon reserve. Full of fit, hunky young men, fresh out of school. Sexy is the look were going for here' she turns around, examining herself in the mirror, and I do too, my eyes lingering just a little too long at the shorts, but seriously, that arse! Those legs! Those legs wrapped around my waist- no. how many times Theodore? No.

'You're fifteen Victoire' exactly teddy. 'I don't think you should be getting involved with 'fit hunky' graduates.'

She should be getting involved with me.

'merlin ted, you're acting like my big brother! ' She cackles, throwing her head back, the waterfall of silvery blonde cascading down to her waist.

'well in the absence of any older men, or your actual brother, I think I should let you know. Those mend only want one thing Vic and uh-' They only want one thing and your crotch proves it.

'Bloody hell teddy' Shes in stitches now.

'I am young and not a virgin! Go and sort out my delinquent little sister instead of informing me about' (splutter) 'the'( splutter)r 'devious ways of ' (scream of laughter) 'men!'( cackle cackle cry with laughter).

Well.

That hurt.

A lot actually.

Victoire isn't a virgin?

Since when? I thought she told me everything! Well, not everything, I really don't need to know all the girly stuff. But I thought she would tell me something like that!

Who was it?

Who took MY Victoire?

I'm going to kill him

I'm going to rip him apart with coat hangers

Bill will help me.

Sirens bring me out of my reverie of murderous intentions, and I know one of my monsters is behind it.

'WOTTERS!'

Everyone in the store jumps, and I glare around, furious. It isn't right to take out my anger at Victoire's stupid little lover on the minxes but I am stretched to breaking point. I spot molly browsing a shelf towards the back, completely ignoring the fact that Lucy was toddling down a corridor marked 'private: staff only' which appeared to be what was setting off the sirens.

'Molly!' I gestured wildly with my arms, my eyes wide as I shook my head frantically. She pulled a face which clearly said 'oh great my chaperone has gone insane and my sister is about to get me thrown out of a shop'

Or words to that effect.

Next I spotted lily, Dom, Roxy and Alice. Talking to a strange man. A strange man. Was talking to my baby cousins. That was bad. Engage brain to feet teddy. Go and get them.

Waiting.

Still waiting.

My feet gave an involuntary spasm and I lurched forwards.

Finally! I hurried over and grabbed Dom by the collar and Alice by the bra strap. If that sounds dodgy, alice is twelve and was still wearing the ultra boost florescent bra, despite her ironing board flat chest. So I wasn't doing anything dodgy with my sort of cousins bra. I would do lots of dodgy things with Vics bra… HOW MANY TIMES THEODORE LUPIN TEN POINTS FROM GRYFINDOR.

Well that was weird. That came out like Mgonogal. Eugh. Oh my merlin what if it was?! Don't be ridiculous teddy. The headmistress is not inside your head telling you off for thinking incest thoughts.

Yes I am teddy.

That was you teddy.

I know.

I've cracked.

Totally loopy.

Yup.

'teddy!' dom is whining. 'I was making friends! He's friends with uncle harry!' I look up at the man and sure enough it isn't a strange creepy man, its Seamus Finnegan, whose daughter, Kathleen is in my year and if it wasn't for Vic, I would say she is the prettiest girl in gryfindor.

I nod at Mr Finnegan, hurriedly explain that we are very busy and sorry for being rude but we have to go and he says 'say hi to harry' ad goes on his merry way, and I turn to stare incredulously at the four nightmares in front of me.

'What do you think you are doing?' Is this a question for them teddy or for you?'

'I have told you time and time again; you do not talk to strangers! Where is rose?'

More giggling.

' where is she Rox?'

'she's nowhere' evil little face smiling innocently up at me.

'CANNON BALL!'

SPLASH

Shit.

I run out of the shop and peer over the railing, and stare down onto the lower level, searching for the fountain we passed earlier, searching for the little red headed monster emerging from it dripping wet, watching the scene play out as though I'm watching from above.

'Is she your charge sir?'

Rose charming the guards through her own natural beauty and (ha) loveliness or through accidental magic I don't know, being let off with a warning, returning to the shop, handing uncle Harry's credit card over to Vic, staggering out of the building laden down with their bags as they sashay down the street giggling. Incessant giggling. Getting in the front seat, looking into the back, thinking for a fraction of a second how sweet they look, my little Wotter girls, all snuggled up, before spotting the bag full of luminous pink bras

'I am never taking you shopping again'

A/N: sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes my computer is playing up and won't let me check them :/ any feedback appreciated :) Thank you for reading!


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